Before and After
August 24, 2023
When you kind folks ask me how I’m doing, the short answer is, “Really well! I’m going to be just fine, thanks!” And this I know to be true. I’m one of the lucky ones. I’ve completed treatment; I’m healing from surgery and the effects of radiation are waning. I’ve started a medication that comes with some less than pleasant side effects…but I’m fine. Fine-ish, anyway.
To most people, it appears that I haven’t missed much. All things considered, I haven’t. But life has looked very different, and I’m wondering when I’m going to feel like myself again. The new measurement of time for me is “before cancer” and “after cancer,” and I wonder if that tag will ever retire itself. On more than one occasion, I’ve walked into a club to perform and thought, “Wow, I haven’t been here since before cancer.” I cleaned out my closet and thought, “I haven’t worn this since before cancer.” I emptied the fridge and was like, “Ok, these pickles have been here since before cancer.” (How long do pickles last, btw?)
I think we all have those huge time marker BEFORE and AFTER periods in our lives…some are awesome…before becoming a parent (or grandparent!) and after, before finding the love of your life and after, before finding your faith and after…and some are decidedly NOT awesome. Before loss, after loss. Before grief, after grief. You already know mine…before cancer, after cancer.
In my “after” phase, I feel happy, blessed and grateful. And sometimes yucky, tired, and scared. I think that’s all part of it, this little journey I’m on. Perhaps I’ll soon stop wondering when I’ll feel like my “before” self again and begin to embrace this “after” version…the lady with smaller boobs who exercises like it’s her job and spends an inordinate amount of time cutting up vegetables. Who pays attention to food labels and no longer enjoys true crime shows. Who laughs harder and cries harder than she ever did before. Who knows that life can suddenly feel shorter and more precious than she realized. Who hopes that somewhere there is someone reading this who feels somehow “seen” in his/her own journey- this version of me wants the “before” and “after” of you to not feel lonely. Hugs and love to you. Before, and after.